Himawari
by Crystal-MoonstoneStar
Summary: A confession that turned him broken hearted, left with an arranged marriage with a person he thinks he doesn't know gives him a trip back to find his own love. JianxTakato. Rateed M for later chapters.


**Himawari**

Anime: Digimon

Pair: Jenrya/JianLiang L. x Takato M

Rated: M

What's Happenin': Taken place in China, Takato is a student who fell in love with his teacher Jianliang, who home schools him as his parents didn't let him go back to school from the way others judged him, was left heartbroken after his hard confession. Despairing in his own thoughts, his parents arranged a marriage with someone he doesn't know which left him in the depths of the lost and loneliness of his first love, having no choice but to accept the marriage.

Warnings and Notes: Yaoi (as in boy having sex with boy), rape, possible mpreg and violence and language are advised.

-Will be using Jenrya's Chinese name to fit my setting.

- This Digimon season will be combined like _Tsubasa Chronicles_ from _Clamp_, meaning I will be combining characters from the other seasons (1 to 4) and make it my own story. Their ages will be completely different but with the same personalities.

-Though I call this China their setting, its modern but the way they live and how their customs are comes back like bound feet and arranged marriage, how baby boys are more valued than girls, etc. There also might be some Chinese words since they take place in China so there's something you learn here. Remember, everything here is fiction no matter how ridiculous or weird it is, this is fanfiction. Otherwise, why are you here?

Summary: A confession that turned him broken hearted, left with an arranged marriage with a person he thinks he doesn't know gives him a trip back to find his own love. JianxTakato.

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Chapter 1 Takato's POV:

"Lee Laoshi, I… Wo ai ni!" The table rattled when I place my hands on them, almost leaning toward the young teacher sitting at the opposite side from me, my face flushing warmly. I didn't mean to actually raise my voice at him, but it was just so…embarrassing and I couldn't help it when I see him today and sometimes I thought of myself weird, having to fall in love with my teacher who is a male. _Male._ And he's not really a teacher yet, but to me he is and this feeling I have right now, he means more than a teacher to me. I think it's kind of strange, but I don't think I could help it. He is someone I felt really strongly enough to say those words that have been chanting abstractly around my mind from the past years. Love isn't one of my specialties.

Wo ai ni. I love you. Just three words.

But.

Love. What does that even mean to him?

He was staring at me with a strange calmness which it kind of makes me nervous because you really couldn't see anything behind those unique silver eyes he had. I almost lost my nerve, just looking into them. They're pretty the first time I saw them, like shimmering star dust. His hair was really pretty too, they're a unique shade of dark blue and it reminds me that he was like the universe that held and captivated me. I held his gaze but looking at his calmness made me nervous and my eyes had to look away. The room was starting to get hot, my palms got sweaty that I forced them on my lap slowly from the table so he wouldn't see.

It's now autumn and soon it'll almost spring, the season and years that pass by through quickly with the two of us, it felt like forever.

His eyes hide a lot of things, especially his feelings, especially when time pass by. And sometimes he smiles and it's a really nice smile that makes me warm and gooey inside and when he laughs…Wow. It's like, I'm drifting away to hear that sound. But it's really rare to him now as he got older. So I don't really know whether or not he's surprised or not or maybe he's just thinking I'm a weird and delusional 17 year old. I know for sure that he's not blushing like I am or sweating either. Plus, he's 5 years older than I am which makes him more mature than me.

He didn't say anything. Even though we were in my room, small but it fits to about 4 to 5 people. Today he wanted to just talk to me and not want to do any sort of lessons today so I thought that it could be my chance to tell him how I felt and as the tension got stronger, that's probably when I snapped. But now…it's scary. I have a feeling that he wouldn't like me that way and I thought to myself that I have to prepare for that. The consequences was also rough, meaning I could lose the only friend I have in this country. I didn't think it takes me forever just to hear his response and just when I was going to back out and say it was a joke and I didn't mean it, his mouth opened.

"I'm…not really sure what to say to you, Takato…You know as well as I do that there's no such thing as a male marriage." His voice was soft but it wasn't the voice I hear whenever we're studying. It sounded forced and a little hesitant but who am I kidding? He's right that there was no such thing as gays here. Gay marriage wouldn't be accepted here. Maybe outside of China but… People would be furious or even worse; they might go as far to murder them.

But the words still hurt and I'm really trying hard not to cry and I had to force my head down but not too low so he could still see my face. It's impolite to look down from your superiors, especially teachers. Obviously I knew he wouldn't like guys, he's a good person who should find a good girl who'll be his wife but half the time I wish it was me he would want and the other half that I didn't have these feelings. And he wouldn't go with someone with demon colored eyes. But I wanted a chance…looks like I blew it really big. I could feel his eyes staring at my hair, almost like he doesn't know what to do.

"…There is something I should say to you though…" Forcing myself to look up and stare in to his eyes, I couldn't back down on him, not when he still need to answer my confession. I have to be strong, even when my eyes are teary and I could go brawling any minute.

"Your parents didn't say this to you yet, but I asked them if I could say it for them…I don't think you'll like it though." He said with a sad voice that makes me alert. If there was something bigger than my rejected confession to him, then I would be in depression forever. Holding my breath I waited for the news that he has to say.

"So then…?" I said quietly, hoping that something won't make me cry or go running out of my room to run far, far away from him. I could have storm out of the room but it makes me feel like a child if I did. Momo and Dad were always telling me to behave and be more mature that I'm seventeen, even though my birthday's in about eight months. He didn't look like he was going to like to say it, which is kind of interesting since he likes telling people information especially when he's teaching. But he looked sort of sad and uncomfortable with it and I'm not really sure what to expect.

"This is my last meeting with you…officially." My eyes widened at the words 'last meeting' and thought, why? I guess my face gave away the shock and sadness, making him stand up and walk close to where I was sitting, across the small table. I flinched when he sat down next to me, a little close to me but not enough to have our knees touch and make me run away.

"I didn't know…Why today? Why didn't you tell me yesterday?" He looked down on the table, his hands on his lap, I noticed how they looked so smooth and patient he looked when he does that. I have to stop looking at him like this!

"I only found out yesterday myself. It seems that my father didn't want me to always keep on teaching you for free and he wants me to teach someone who needs it more and can be able to…compensate." It shocked me and I felt a little embarrassed, like someone just decided to pour ice water filled with ice cubes in it and dump it over my head, ongoing never stopping. I thought I couldn't breathe and suddenly thought of something. But it is true though, my mom felt like we were giving him burden that he's tutoring me instead of going to school and it's for free.

"…So…I won't be able to see you…again."

"…Probably not…" The start of my day…the day I confess to the person I like or love, whichever way I want to put it, most likely I am never going to see again…

"...Okay." There was no other choice. I shouldn't burden him with my feelings, not when he has his own life to live with. I had to go along with that ride. I didn't expect it to take it so hard that it feels like I've been rammed in by a thousand running horses, or other than the fact that I wasn't brawling or begging him to stay with me. I wasn't a little kid anymore. I had to understand that, especially when I know that he won't be able to return my feelings when he wasn't the one who is attracted to guys. I forced myself to smile and found him shocked which was a rare thing to see on him. I guess he didn't know what to say to that and he looked down with some pity, I think or was it regret? He looked…kind of sad which is kind of weird.

"Is something wrong, Lee Laoshi?" I asked gently, not knowing whether or not I offended him or anything but he looked at me and shook his head.

"No…I just thought-"A knock was on the door, interrupting what he was going to say to me. I heard my mother's voice through the door when I answered her with a simple yes.

"Lee Laoshi, your mother is here to pick you up." Her voice sounded quiet, a little guilty and nervous, probably because of me since she wasn't going to be the one to tell me that he's going to be gone and never my teacher again, but I can't really blame her.

His grey eyes widened with a small surprise and looked at me with guilt, sadness and I think something else I can't describe. Worry? Compassionate? Pity? Almost like he wanted to say something but pushed it out of his head and just went on…doing what he and to do. He told my mother that he'll be down in a few minutes.

It turned awkward. Neither of us didn't know what to say. I guess I told him that he should go or something because everything became fast and blurry afterward and all I remembered was hearing a mumbling or some words from him, a warm pat on top of my head, the door opening and closing and the sound of silence that overwhelmed the room, almost suffocating to even breathe in. I didn't even know if I said good bye to him. I didn't even ask whether or not that if I could ever see him again, that if we could just be friends then. I feel sad; alone…Empty, like there was nothing left I can hold on to. The person that just left the spot next to me was cold, almost like there was no one there at all.

It felt like hours until it felt like time started again.

The tears came slowly down to my cheeks, streaming downward to my chin, dripping on to the back of my hands that were still on top of my thighs. But I didn't want them there. I was still sitting there, numb to the spot, crying. My heart is hurting, squeezing me. It felt like my heart breaking silently, just like how the relationship between me and him was disintegrating. I couldn't make any sounds. I just…suddenly broke.

I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears that were moving down to the place where I would be sent down to when I die. I remember a story that my dad told to me; that for every shed of tear I cried, from the minute I was born until I die, I will have to cross a river, a river that is filled and made from my tears in order to go to heaven. Though I'm really sure whether it's true or not but I believed it when I was young. My dad said I had to swim in order to get there. I cried when he said that because I didn't know how to, and that sort of made me laugh at that memory but it sounded like I'm choking on something.

I had to clutch at my chest, my fingers feeling the fabric of my shirt, where everything started hurting more when I kept thinking about him. When he first came over to this house, when he first gave me a simple lesson in Chinese, when he didn't make fun of my eyes or my nationality or who I really was, when he visited some times when we didn't have classes… Now everything won't be there. I suddenly heard noises and found out that I was gasping for breath. Covering my mouth, I thought it would make a scene if my parents decided to come into my room and talk about him. I had to stop.

Please. Stop.

Rubbing my eyes in the back of both my hands I felt like I could keep crying all day. I probably could. But not now. I feel so…tired and somewhat relieved. I didn't know today's the last day that I might ever see him again. In a way, I was glad and regretted that I told him that I have feelings for him. I feel like he's going to be scarred for life. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut…

I don't even know how long I stayed that way. Sitting in the same spot in the same position, I feel my shoulders slumping and soon I felt my head on the wooden table, feeling lightheaded and sleepy.

I wondered if everything today was just a dream… Just from that thought, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again and knew that it's not. I sighed heavily, knowing that everything in my life is being torn apart now that I don't have him around with me. At times like these, I wish I have a friend. I see the sunlight streaming dimly from my see through curtains my mom made out of from one of my old clothes, meaning it must be late afternoon by now.

I don't know how but I fell asleep, having to feel a gentle shake on my shoulder and the pains that stretched out my neck and back when I sat up abruptly, feeling my mother's hands on my shoulders. I winced at the pain at the back of my neck and found out everything in my room was dark. How long did I fell asleep?

"Takato? You want dinner? I knocked on your door but you didn't answer and I found you sleeping. Your father and I didn't want to disturb you so we left you alone." She sounded worried, I should feel a little angry but exhaustion beat to it. I shook my head at the invitation to having food in my stomach. Nothing I could be able to eat now will digest, not when my tears will fall and make everything my mom makes salty. I found my sleeves wet and that answered to the question of whether I was thinking about him or not in my sleep.

She had a motherly look in her eyes and it makes me feel bad. Maybe she noticed the red rimmed eyes or the nose that was enveloped in a rusty red color or the way I have been sleeping. Did I cry in my sleep? I rubbed my eyes hard and tried to think of an excuse so I wouldn't have to see that face.

"I'm okay, really. I'm just…shocked…that…he's not going to teach me anymore. So I was…umm…trying to read through the other work that he left for me. Ehehee…" She's not going to believe that…I don't even have a decent smile on my face, it felt like a half grimace close to another breakdown.

"I'm sorry. I know. But it is sort of strange that he had to tell us today…I only found out myself. He's a good person, helping us to teach you when we didn't have money…" She said with her head down. I went over to her and gave her a hug. She returned it lovingly, holding me tight, her fingers flowing through my hair. Her hug was warm and pleasant; it made me want to stay in her arms for a long long time.

"If you want, I'll leave your dinner outside the door…" She whispered in my ear. I nodded gratefully at her offer. She released me, leaving me in the cold again and I think she noticed my expression, because she caressed my cheek lightly.

"I know you admired Lee laoshi for a long time…I can still remember when you both first met…" She smiled at me, making me blush at that time when we first met. It was sort of embarrassing but it made me sad again that I was thinking about him. Mostly everything in my life has revolved around him and it made me look like I have nothing else to do or to even be with.

My mom gave me another hug and left to myself, reminiscing through my memories while she was going to tell my father that I was going to eat upstairs and getting my food. There were so many things I could remember just from being with him.

I thought about the first time we met…A really embarrassing way to meet. The first time we met…

"_No! Okaa-san! I don't want to! He's going to make fun of me!" I shouted from my bedroom door, locking it by putting my body in the door's way. I was 7 or 8 at that time and there wasn't much I could be able to say in Chinese. Most of the time I spoke in japanese._

_I didn't get along with other children well. They always looked at me and found my eyes weird or demon like they called. Sometimes they picked on me or even throw things at me when the teacher or parents aren't looking. One time, they threw something called holy water at me, and I didn't know what it was until my parents told me and they got angry. They were going to tell their parents what happened but I didn't let them. If I told on them, they'll pick on me more than they already were. I didn't want to hear any more insults and teasing from another person more than I already was. _

_At that time, I thought, I wanted to die or at least, to not see any other kids at my age that would say something about me. Sort of like now, locking myself from everyone else in the world._

"_Takato! He won't, I promise you that. He's a nice person, and he volunteered to tutor you for free. Please Takato, open the door!" My mom banged on the door lightly so she wouldn't scare me but I'm already scared of him, even when I've never seen him. _

_I started crying. I couldn't help it but I was really quiet though, so I wouldn't be scolded again by my mom since she doesn't like having me cry in front of people. It's unmanly and it's embarrassing to her and to me, but I'm in my room and no one could see me. _

"_If you like, Miss Matsuda, I can come back tomorrow…?" A voice outside said my door. I guessed it was him because it didn't sound like my dad's voice and I never heard him before. His voice was soft and cool, it made me want to look how he looked like but it still scares me that looks were the first thing that are always mistaken to look like they're being good people._

_I can no longer judge the kids by their looks anymore. _

"_Please, wait! I'm sorry about my son's behavior but he has been…bullied from other children when he was at school and…" My mom started to translate in Chinese. _

"_I understand. But I don't think he's ready to come out yet. If he's still hurt from the bullying, then maybe you should wait until he's okay to be taught. I can always wait until he's ready; I have no trouble waiting…" He seemed patient to be with me. I wonder why? Is it an act? So he can get close and make fun of me? I don't believe that he is willing to teach me for free._

"…_Wo hun duabuchi de máfan(I am very sorry for the trouble)…Thank you. If you can, can you be able to come back tomorrow?" My mom seemed to be like a prey in his trap. I wanted to go out there and say that but then I heard her footsteps and that stranger's walking away from my door as he replied to her, "I'll come by everyday if you like." _

_I placed my head in my hands. If he's going to come by everyday, what am I suppose to do then? _

"_Takato! You should be more respectful to Lee! He was only trying to help you. You should be grateful that he's coming again tomorrow…" My mom grumbled to me while we were eating dinner. _

"_But he could be lying! You don't even know him!" I complained to her, my bowl of rice was untouched, just only arguing with my mom to make her understand through my situation. _

"_No, I haven't really known him, but you haven't either. But the neighbors' children have said that he's a good person to teach. He told me he's aiming to become a scholar one day and wanted to volunteer helping the other children like you…Why can't you understand that your education comes first?" My mom rubbed her temples, tired and frustrated at the argument. _

"…" _I started to get up but my father started to say something since he was just listening to us argue all day. _

"_Takato, why don't you give him a chance? If you think that he's not good or if he does anything to you, then you can tell us. Or better yet, one of us can stay with you or be outside the door, and we'll hear and observe what he's doing. Is that okay with you?" He said very gently so he wouldn't have to anger my mom anymore. She's already in a bad temper as she is with me. I sighed and tried to think about it but it made me scared about him being mean like the other children. _

"…_Fine…" I said reluctantly, which made my mom sighed a quiet relief while my father patted my head, telling me I was brave to face through this. I didn't feel very brave at that time…_

_Like he said, the next day, he came, this time though; he was waiting outside early in the morning, 11 o clock exactly when the sun was high in the early summer sky, making a small shadow at his feet. _

_My mom greeted him with a smile, inviting him to our home and bakery. We usually open early and I have to help out with the opening and baking bread. Baking seemed to be the only thing I liked to calm me down whenever something bothers me. Outside in our backyard we have a garden where we planted our supplies and vegetables. In a way it's fun to do something other than doing homework. _

_I was working outside in the garden with the vegetables, I lost track of time when I was suppose to watch the oven making the bread, I remembered, and I was too busy watering the plants I didn't hear the door opening and closing behind me or the footsteps that were stopped in front of the doorway, a figure leaning at the column, eyes that were watching at me with a funny and curious glint. _

_I didn't really got to see him but I heard my mom opening the door that time and that's when I turned around and saw him. A flash of black and beige, the colors of his clothes before my eyes and I felt my heart stop. I gasped and tried to get away but I ended up being tangled by the hose falling in the dirt, covering my face, terrified of the person in front of me, trying to help me get out of the dirt when really I was trying to get away from him. I'm not sure whether or not he understands that I didn't want him here but I was too busy trying to cover my eyes from him. The hose I was holding before was flailing around, spraying water everywhere on us. My mom was just shocked and standing, watching the two of us trying to get together or rather, me trying to get away from him. _

"_No!" I cried out loud, hoping he would go away but he just held my shoulders, turning me around to my back so I wouldn't see him. That took me by surprise and I stopped crying for a second before my sniffles and whimpers came and I was shaking from the cold water that sprayed onto me. _

"_I won't hurt you." His voice was kind and soft, almost lulling me to a daze. I thought, maybe I could try just looking at him. It wasn't going to do me any good if I didn't get to look at him. But I started to shiver violently, almost scaring him and my mom who went to get a towel. _

_He led me inside, leaving the hose alone to its own flailing, having me look at his hands that were the color of golden skin. It wasn't that bad looking I thought. I didn't know why I looked at it in the first place. They were warm though; his hands were still on my shoulders, leading me to my room where he was yesterday when I refused to meet him. They were gentle and I thought for a moment I relaxed but tensed up again when we got to my room. _

_My mom came up with a bunch of towels, showering me with the ones we have until I was covered in the fluffy fabric asking me if I was okay and everything. I couldn't see anything but my mom told him that he could just go into my room and dry me up while she was going to bring us tea. Mom's going to leave me alone with him. I panicked and thought that someone was suppose to be here with me but then I heard a slide and we were in my room. _

_The towels wrapping around me were not as warm and I started to search for my bed even though it's my room, I felt like an idiot not knowing where it is. Then warm hands were on my shoulder and back were guiding me, though they made me flinch slightly at the touch and I found myself sitting on the bed, with the towels still in front of my face. He let his hands go and I reached my hands to my face so I could dry myself off with the towel slowly. _

_I didn't know what to do. He's in front of me and I'm not sure whether or not I should hide my face or I should leave him alone. But that would seem rude and mom will yell at me again for being impolite. _

"_If you like, I could turn around. So you can dry properly." Suddenly I reached out for him but I couldn't see though I felt skin on my hand, holding on to it, it felt like an arm. I didn't know why I did though. I panicked, thinking I was an idiot to reach out to him, but inside there was just a tiny thought that maybe I could trust him a little. The towel fell of my face when I grabbed him and my face was exposed. _

_But I got to see his face. The first thing I saw was his eyes. It was grey, silvery almost and that made me self conscious of my own, realizing that he saw my eyes. I flustered and let go of his arm to cover my face but he suddenly grabbed my wrist, leaning close toward me. It shocked me and I self consciously bowed my head down, my face burning with nervousness. He's seen my eyes, now he's going to call me names like the others…_

"_What is your name again?" His voice reached into my ears, making me look up to him and then look back down from embarrassment and awareness. His warm fingers that were circling around my wrist was making me feverish and that someone was holding my hand and I kept thinking that he was going to force me to look into his eyes so he could see me and make fun of my eyes but it wasn't happening. It was…calming and yet, it feels like the world was exploding inside me. I then realized that he asked me for name and I felt shy, just him asking me. I had some chinese I could understand and I know he was asking my name._

"…_Takato…Matsuda Takato." I whispered, not knowing why but he didn't seem to mind me saying it so softly that I could only hear myself. _

"_Ni hao. Wo shi Lee Jianliang." Jianliang. It sounded long but pretty. I tried looking up to see his face but all I could see was the thin black shirt he was wearing and my eyes trailed back down. _

"_Wo juredu nide injin se yoqidu yense (And I think your eyes are an interesting color.)" That, I didn't understand any of it except something about color and I looked up in a befuddled expression, making my eyes gaze toward his chest and up to his face. I think his eyes were interesting as mine, but at least they weren't use for name calling like mine. I found myself examining his face without realizing it. His hair a dark blue color, tied with a really short ponytail lined at the nape of his neck and his jaws were strong while his lips were tilted upwards having him smile at me. I blushed when I saw him staring at my eyes but I couldn't turn away. _

_He's…different than the others…He didn't look like he would insult me either. His fingers were slowly releasing my wrist, but I could still feel the heat that was around them. That was confusing me, especially when my heart was pounding fast against my chest but my breathing was surprisingly normal._

_Luckily my mom knocked and came in bringing over tea and some bread from downstairs. I felt like I did something wrong when my mom came in with a surprise on her face and starting to curl myself up in a shell but then the towels were moving by themselves, drying my hair and clothes, making me yelp in surprise. _

_It turned out that he was the one drying me, since I didn't realize I was shivering when I was looking at him. My mom thought it was sweet and told me to thank him when he was finished. That was when he told my mom what he said about color or something, which made her smile and translated it for me. _

"_Lee laoshi said that you have unique colored eyes. See? He's not insulting now is he?" She gave me a kiss on the forehead and left the room, leaving me with him alone in the room. I was embarrassed but sort of relieved that someone thought that it was unique. _

_As he was still drying my hair, it tickled my scalp and my ears making me giggle. I tried to take the towel away from him but he continued on making me giggle more until he was done. He looked at me and found my face into a light pink peach face and smiled at me. _

_He didn't think I was cursed. He didn't think I looked like a demon. He didn't say anything bad about me. That's when I started to cry. It was funny how he handled it, asking in chinese that if he rubbed my head too hard but I shook my head. I couldn't really translate and I was ashamed that I couldn't say much in chinese. _

"_Xie xie…" I whispered politely to him, bowing my head down since that was usually the rules when someone did you a favor. For me that favor was not making fun of me. It was nice to be someone equal to another for a change. _

_He smiled at me again. I'm not sure whether he likes smiling or he's just doing it so I can open up to him. Okay maybe I'm still not over the whole trust thing but really…_

"_You're welcome…" He's still had the towels in his hand but that's just one. I still have towels spread and covered on me, which I was feeling a little warm by now but he kept rubbing the towel on my head enjoying the motions he was making to dry my hair, even though they were already dry. I found out that there could be some good people out there, just waiting for me to make friends with. _

It is a piece of my beginning when I started to realize that I like him, at first as a teacher and then as a friend, someone that comes over to my house to smile and say hello to. That didn't make me lonely. It was warm and inviting…and I missed that.

"Takato?" I looked up to see my mom bringing in the food leftovers that were still warm, having to smell the aroma of rice, chicken and the stir fried broccoli. It was making me hungry since my stomach growled at the sound, making me embarrassed when I realized I stayed up in my room, skipping lunch and almost dinner.

"Thanks." Gratefully taking the small round tray from my mother's hands, placing them on the table. She even added a glass of water with my food. My mom loves to take care of me, I find myself lucky to have her.

"Are you okay? You seem a little…out of it." I looked up seeing my mom walking across the room from the door and took a seat opposite from where _he_ sat. She put her hands together and looked at me, open to anything of what I want to say.

But I can't say anything that'll upset her. No one would want to have a gay son. No one would be happy if your son was gay and won't be able to give you grandchildren and happiness afterward. No one will be able to look at my family and look at them in the eye and say 'congratulations'. I have to do what I need to do for myself, even when it's cowardly but it protects me.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just shocked. Nothing to worry about. I'll be fine." Smiling at her, I felt like a mask has taken over my face and I don't know who I am. She stared at me, her eyes looking through mine, sad and worried about me. I kept smiling to not make her worry but I think it makes it worse when I lie through my teeth and she probably knows it.

But she left me alone telling me that if I need anything, she's right down the hall. Kissing me on the forehead, like she did that time when he first came along, and then another hug for support, walking out slowly thinking I might talk to her after all. But I didn't. When she left the room was dark again. I didn't have the lights on, the only thing that accompanied me was the small shining moonlight that peeked from the windows along with the tinkling of the wind chimes I placed outside of it. Other than that, it was so quiet.

I tried eating, but I kept thinking about him and it hurts. My throat clogs up and I can't swallow. I hate crying! Even when the tears fell when I couldn't help them to stay in my eye ducts. I thought maybe it would have been better if I never said anything, maybe I would have just kept playing the silent puppet, I would be happier. Or would I?

I left the food on the table, no longer hungry, not when my stomach is being squeezed into a small organ that wouldn't bypass any food except for my pettiness and depression. I feel so alone. Feeling the pillow underneath my head, I let my tears flow freely, now that I have nothing to do with him. The person that I looked up to, the stranger that became my friend and feelings for love who accepted me first is no longer by my side.

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So yes…what you guys think? I won't be able to update much time soon so this is like a tryout. If anyone is interested in it, please review and I would be happy to continue.

When you say _laoshi_, as in teacher, the first part you say is 'lao'. The second part is a little more difficult to pronounce because it sounds like you're almost hissing at the end and you don't really sound out the 'hi' either; so it's like sse. So you would have laosse. I apologize for the other translations though, there aren't any good ways I can try to pronounce them for you but this is the best way I can be able to say it. I fail as an ABC(American born Chinese). XP

Inspired by song Himawari by Hoshimura Mai and the story _Peony in Love_ by Lisa See, though I'm not gonna let anyone die here...hopefully.


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